Full Harvest Moon Sunday Smudge Day

Good Day my lovely Zenful readers, how are you all on this Super Moon/Eclipsed Sunday? Happy Sunday Smudge Day! I hope you and your families had a great week and have enjoyed your weekend. I have been a bit under the weather myself this past week. Kids had the first seasons cold/virus and they thought it would be nice to share it with their mom. HA. One of my besties told me about echinacea drops and I bought some at a GNC, that’s close to my job. I can’t tell you how magical it is and how so glad I was to have tried my besties advice. It really does work. I have even added some drops into my kids drinks for an extra boost and healing. Both my children said it smells like vanilla. Haha, I thought it was cute. This is the time of year for us here in New England that the temperature starts dipping. Even this morning as I woke up and made me some coffee, the temperature outside read 38 degrees. I’ll be needing to bring my houseplants in today for sure. They’ve enjoyed their time on my balcony with the air and sun. But now that we have entered the Autumn Equinox and the temperatures are becoming cooler, it’s time to let most of the earth slowly flow into its seasonal slumber. Just not my house plants. haha

The leaves in the trees will continue their coloring change as the days awaken most of us in darkness and cast us in early shadows as the sun starts to hide earlier than it has. How different it was for me last year during this same time. Its nice to look back and see where I was, to where I am now. I feel I have done quite well. It is great to see and think, what have I learned? I don’t stay and wander for too long, mind you. But I find to just turn and take a peek at what once was, knowing that it can’t harm us any more, is worth taking a peek. Is it not? I feel that it is important to look back because we can now see and feel pride at how far we have come. We should learn from our everyday. This will make us a better person. Yes life, can get hectic. But by using our energy correctly we can turn those hectic moments into not so hectic ones. We have the ability to turn that annoyance, that negative into, delight.

Is it easy? Heck no. But only because our world may have taught us, this is how we should react. I am going into “The Secret” mode for a second here. So, since I moved into my new place, The moment I open my eyes the first thing I do is, say please 5 more minutes, ha jk….I smile and in my head I say thank you a bunch of times. I become excited for my coffee, that Mr. Coffee helps me brew, each AM, even though my daughter may wake up in her “I’m not a morning person” mood. haha. But it evens out because my son wakes up with good energy each morning. He puts on some old school music in the morning and happily gets ready for school.

I usually have a great day. Even when there are days when things can get crazy at work, I still feel I have a good day. Work can be so high school. And since we are there more than we are home so it can be stressful. There’s always a group of people that don’t do much. And those that are the nerds, who do their work and even extra credit. You know, cause that’s what we should be doing, at work!! I think for the most part you will find people like this in our day to day. And if you don't, you’re the lucky ones. I am happy for you, because I personally feel it should be like that for everyone. As I have said earlier, we are at work more than we are at home, work should be a healthy and happy place. I try my best to live this way. Yes, at times, something tries to creep into my aura, but I feel once I vent it out, it goes away. I am following through so far with myself and I try not to let my work aura crack. haha. I always (in my head) say thank you, thank you; that I even have a job. When I do this all day, whisper “thank you” to the universe, I pretty much have a great day. I noticed when I wasn’t well early this week and I felt myself drag because my energy was so low. My day dragged right along with me.

It wasn’t until I was told about the echinacea drops and was so excited to try it, I already knew it would work. I just felt it would. Then what should have lasted over a week, lasted only a few days. I of course made a few hot toddies, with freshly grated ginger, sage (<thank you Lizzie), anise seeds, mint, cinnamon sticks, chamomile, honey & a few drops of echinecea with some Jamieson, Irish Whiskey. Hey!! I needed all the help I could get. HA!! (take note people, it all worked for me, I am sure it’ll work for you!) I also smudged for the Autumn Equinox. I think that may have helped as well. =) I felt myself unwell on Monday, began my healing treatments by Wednesday, was feeling still pretty crappy, and was a whole lot better by Thursday and more so by Friday. That’s how fast it worked. I will continue to use this for my kids and I and even have Whiskey-less teas for that herbal healing. The mix of the herbs I use is very mild. I enjoy it. If you try it I hope you do as well. I simmer and bring to a boil all herbs. If you’re going to add brandy or whisky for your toddy’s, take tea pot off the heat (hurt heat off) add a shot full in tea pot so that it’ll infuse herbs and tea. I strain herbs from tea then add the desired amount of echinacea drops. You’re welcome, enjoy. hehe

Since the Autumn Equinox was this past Wednesday and tonight we are in for an awesome Super Harvest Full/Eclipse Moon I thought I’d celebrate it by preparing some homemade chicken soup in my new crockpot. I am excited to do this as it helps me celebrate the night’s Full Harvest Moon. For me chicken soup represents healing and comfort. I will be purging this evening and I find my dinner of choice fitting. In keeping with the theme, I also changed my gemstone/smudge table. I will be sharing the new look, with you in a moment. Before I begin smudging, I would like to share with you all a few pictures I had with me and was waiting for a good time to share. Today is the day. As you sip your water and slowly begin to set your mind for some smudging...bring your gems close so that they are ready. If you have some sage to light. By all means join me and light some as well. A reader told me she did the same and I was so glad she did. Thank you!

Enjoy reading these few informative pictures on the healing of both smudging the the use of gemstones. Use that energy of your gems and herbs so that they may be with you when you need them. 

   (Please click on the image and zoom in    if needed)

    (I thought this was interesting.)

Do you wear any gemstones as you cleanse? Do you have any favorite gemstones you use when smudging? Or even special ones you keep close for a boost of energy? 

When I smudge I always wear my amethyst and turquoise gem necklace. I was lucky to receive both of these lovely pieces from great friends; thank you Amy and Sarah.

I am keeping all my gems in my crystal bowl for an extra recharge this evening. It'll be easier to transport to my windowsill for when I place them under the Full Harvest Moon this evening. I will however leave them in my crystal bowl throughout the colder months. You can see my tiny cast iron pan, on the left under the tail of the sweet grass. This I use to burn/purge, any of my " don't wants". The small cast iron makes it safe for me to burn small pieces of paper. It comes in handy. I have been blessed to have had special people in my life gift me a few things to help my alter be filled with much healing, love, and light.

This one has a mix of my families and my bestest and dearest friends gifts. Whether it be, the scarf I have used with the mix of Autumn and Halloween theme, that my mum gifted me some years back. To a few candle holders and figures you see, to the shells and stand, and clay smudge holder to a few gemstones and even a stone from the earth my daughter gave me years ago. Its not part of the gem collection I have but for me, its filled with love. A great energy in itself. =)

All this makes up my little table; I feel, for me,...feels peaceful filled with love the brightest of lights. It helps make my smudging time all the more special. I have asked for two more small special items from my step dad and my sister. I have asked for a small eagle from my step dad, for he has a connection to them and this past week as I tried to think of what he could add, that is what came to mind. It dawned on me too, that maybe the eagle I saw on my holidays was representing of my step dad, and of him looking out for me. It brings happy tears to my eyes knowing this connection and how special it is. From my sister I am excited as to what she may come up with. I gave her no hints but asked for something small, that comes from the heart, that I may add to represent her on my table as well. Knowing that I will be receiving something from them that will add their essence here with mine, the love, the most powerful healing. Will make my heart happy. I shall share with you all once its been added.

Opening smudge prayer:

I'd like to ask The Lord, our Father as well as The Universe to be here with me today as I smudge & cleanse each of you.   

I'd like to call upon my ancestors to surround me with their love and light as I help each of you. I would also like to call upon the elements fire, earth, air and water. I'd like to ask the goddess of the north, east, south & west, as well as our archangels; Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom, to join us and surround us with their energy as I smudge and cleanse you today.

(Please imagine the sage smoke wrapping itself around each of you and carrying all your worries away. Lets begin, close your eyes and take as many cleansing breaths as you need. Exhale and release any negative thought(s). Love and light only people!!) 

When you are ready, imagine me wrapping the lit sage around each of you, using its smoke to cleanse you. I begin from above your head, (chakra points) forehead, throat, heart, tummy, hip area, and down your legs to your feet. As I'm smudging you, I call upon the elements to help us; the wind, will blow your worries away, let them burn free from you with fire, soak them away with water so that the element earth may ground you.

Feel the release of this/these negative energy/ies that may have been built up from this past week. I ask those who I have called upon, The Lord, The Universe, my ancestors, the elements, the goddesses, and our archangels, to help release you from any negative thought/s that does not suit or support your needs. Remove any blockage/s that has seeped into your aura and shaken you. Take these few minutes to visualize this and clear this negativity away.....

Now, I light this cedar in the same way I did the sage, but the cedar will wrap all of your auras in a protective white light of love and happiness to keep you from negativity. Close your eyes and imagine me wrapping the cedar wand starting from above your head, (chakra points) forehead, throat, heart, tummy, hip area, and down your legs to your feet. When you’re ready, continue reading below to the closing prayer……..

Closing Smudge Prayer

I'd like to thank you Lord and The Universe for being here with me and give me the opportunity to help those that I can. I want to thank my ancestors for being present. I'd like to also, thank the elements fire, earth, air and water for being with us. I'd like to thank the goddess of the north, east, south & west. As well as our archangels Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom.

Thank you Lord and Universe for always looking out for us and for giving us all the Blessings we have. Thank you for our yesterday, for our today and for the abundance of a wonderful week ahead.

With this Sweetgrass I light, may it surround you and yours with love and light, and happiness always and forever.

Amen.

The Sunday Before The Autumn Equinox

Good Day and Happy Sunday Smudge Day my Zenful readers. I hope you and your loved ones had a great week and that you've all enjoyed your weekend. I can't believe that the Autumn Equinox is this coming Wednesday. Summer is slowly coming to a close here in Boston. The days are still warm but as some of you may know that can change real quick here in the New England area. This week in the early morning hours, as I've walked my daughter to her bus stop, the morning has been very "autumn" like. It actually felt nice. Some have said "how cold" it is. I smile when I hear it because the winter we just had was so snowy and cold we not even there just yet. And I know this winter will be another hard one for us. Even though it had been cooler in the earlier morning this week, I am appreciating it. Because soon it won't just be 59 degrees in the early hours but way colder, like in the 30s. Brrr. =) It has definitely sweater weather first thing in the morning this past week, but once the morning bears on, so doesn't the heat. Gottah love Boston. HAHA. I know some of us won't enjoy the winter months. The day light becomes shorter and colder as Autumn gets deep into the season, more so when it turns into winter. For me, I have always enjoyed the autumn and winter months. I find it is a time for extra coziness with our loved ones. Just like the bears, other animals and creepy crawlies hibernate, we humans need to slow down when our sunshine in the sky is lessened. Take the time to be quiet some from all the spring and summer activities. I will be doing just that.

Ram Dass was spot on with this quote.

I know we are to appreciate every moment in our lives, time isn't to be rushed. I have been saying how glad I am that this year is nearly over. How it has been a tough one for me and I am glad to see it go. I still am glad to see it go, but I feel a bit differently about the whole time of it, and somewhat rushing it, than I did before. I have been feeling good about my journey despite the hardships I have had. I have become quiet in myself, something I so needed. How can we hear what is within, if we aren't quiet in ourselves to listen? Ram Dass and Deepak Chopra knew what they were talking about. I know it's not easy when one has children that depend on us. But we are just showing our children that its okay to be quiet and be still for a bit. I have found I am happier now that my energy is only flowing to them and to myself. I don't feel as if I am being pulled into so many different directions. The hats I wear are for my children and myself now. I have found in my Zenful thinking, that I am better at being a mother than being a wife; to the person I was married to. Yes, life can have its challenges but over all love shouldn’t make us feel less of a person. Love should shine brightly, glitterize us even ;) Not make us feel we are in the dark. I’d like to share something with you that a special friend shared with me just a few days ago and it was such an eye opener. I would also like to share a post another special friend shared with me Friday night. I’d like to begin by thanking them both Lizzie my SOTS and Jill, my sistah from anothah mistah for sharing this with me. They among others are LOVE and LIGHT!  

In a conversation with Lizzie she said something to me, that made the past 18 years more of a happy time, than an almost a waste of time. I know that may be harsh to say. As a mother we should see that our children are a blessing. And I do. But where I am coming from was a place where, I was committed to be with someone; we were both to be, mother and father, a unit; a team. But it turned out to be one sided. And one can only live that way for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children dearly and I would never ever change my past, because doing so would mean they wouldn’t be my present. But for a long while, I would wonder, “what have I done to my kids. All I wanted was for them to have both parents under one roof.” But thinking this way turned me into a selfless woman, selfless for my X and my children. This behavior made me become bitter and very unhappy. What kind of mother would I be, if I didn’t take care of me. If I can’t be happy how am I supposed to shadow that onto my children? So this is what I have been doing. Working on my own happiness. Being one with myself and so that I can be a great mom to my kids. And I have found that even though I no longer have that “unit” feel. I now see (and again I thank my family and friends for the conversations that have helped me see this) I am the only “unit” my kids and I need. They will see what a strong and independent woman their mama is and how I am able to take care of us and how much happier their mama is. Nothing else that happened before matters. Only my kids and I.

Now to share, what Lizzie said to me, just a few days ago that clicked with me. I will quote her wordage, “Perhaps you had something to learn and two things to gain before you find your true path.” This was so mind blowing for me and has added to my healing, (thank you Lizzie) for I know that I am still in a place of healing. I mean one doesn’t just, with magic and all the glitter in Denmark (hehe) become healed, after being “abused” (whether it’s, emotional, physical, verbal, mental, etc.) for a long time. My abuse was emotional and mental, if you would. I let myself believe his way was the better way. I followed all he did and all he said. I became a “mini him.” As someone dear to me has mentioned. I let him go off and travel and live his own life as I stayed back caring for the kids. I lost myself in the process. Because of this, I did become difficult to love. But only because that was a reflection of what was being shown to me all these years. I am not difficult to love. As the saying goes, “you give what you get.” It’s equal, not just one sided. Jill, my bestie would say all the time I was selfless. It honestly took me a while to understand her wordage, to hear them. My thinking was, this is how I am suppose to be, how it should be. I now see that she was so right. Yes, I was so very selfless. I ate, breathed, and lived being a mother, a wife. Thank you Jill. For there is nothing wrong for being selfless, with your kids, as a mother we must be. But it is very wrong in being selfless with your spouse when you don’t receive that in return. Jill sent me a text the other night with a post she shared with me that was again another eye opener. It stated, “ What hurt her is that she accepted you for who you were. Which to do so included lowering her standards, tolerating more than she ever had, and standing by you even at the expense of sacrificing her own happiness at times. Because what became important to her was finding a way to make “US” work, as she tried to convince herself and everyone else that you were WORTH it. Only to have you prove her wrong and everyone else right.”

I was so wow’d by this. It so made sense for me. Its how I lived my life all these years. I honestly convinced myself this is how it should be. Boy how wrong I was. And guess what? That is okay. Life is all about learning. Had I not gone through this hardship and and not tried to fight for a way “to make US work”, I wouldn’t have been introduced to smudging and even given my first gemstone, the Amethyst. What I felt when I held the gem in my hands for the first time. (thank you so much Amy) Begin my own collection, and even begin to read about Native American and some of the Pagan beliefs. For me I do believe in God, in a higher power. As I have written before, in my past blogs. No, I do not go to church every Sunday. I am not a church goer and I pass no judgement for those that are. If it makes you happy do what feels right. But my belief doesn’t extend that way. My beliefs extend in how the Native Americans practiced (which I wish I can get my hands on more of their traditional ways, baby steps though) and even towards the Pagan ways, which I feel some of the two NA & P ways are somewhat combined. They both deal with the earth and the energy around us. This makes me most comfortable. As you have read my smudge prayer, I call on everyone that I believe in. God, our Lord, The Universe, my ancestors, the elements, the goddesses, as well as the archangels. For me, in all respects these, are all positive energies and who I want with me as I smudge and or help someone in healing.

But had I not suffered in my own relationship with my X, I would not have known this path. Or maybe this path would have been shown to me later on in my life. A new light in my life, Elena (PS. people she makes lovely gemstone jewelry, she’s a force of light in her own right) in conversation a few days ago Elena, reminded me of this. (Thank you for this Elena, it has been almost a year, and I started out as one of your many clients but am now Blessed to know that we are great sister-friends., thank you for making me feel more than a client. YOU are pure light and an amazing soul) The dark had kind of covered this, my remembering when my path began. It has been almost nine years since I have been learned to smudge and work with gemstones. Wow. How wonderful is that? Would I go through the pain all over again in order for me to find and walk the path I am today. To be who I am today? My answer is simply, yes. I have been brought to this path for a reason. And I now see and understand that “time does not heal everything but acceptance will heal everything.” ~ Unknown. 
So today I accept all that once was, so I may give room to all that will be. I open myself to happier times and the Blessings that are waiting for my children and myself. THEY ARE, MY TEAM!, MY UNIT!! The knowing of this makes me so happy. Here I had been kicking myself and feeling I have failed as a mother, I failed my children. But I hadn’t and I have had the answer within me all along.

I am so grateful for what I have learned and what I will continue to learn. I am grateful for the wonderful people that have helped me in some form or another during my journey. I once again want to thank my mother, despite our dumpy journey, I LOVE YOU DEEPLY. Thank you again for keeping your heart open for me. With the challenges Abel has brought me these past few years, I have “heard and listened” to all you have had to said this pass season/summer, and I thank you. And I am listening more than ever to my boy., to our boy. To my little sister I also LOVE YOU DEEPLY, and thank you for opening up your heart to me again and for explaining what was and for opening yourself to me with what will be! NEW YORK CITY BITCHES!!! I am excited for what the future has in store for us. May our bond be tighter than it ever was. Amy, what can I say? My earth sister. Thank you for sharing this different way of prayer with me. You have guided me on a path that has made me feel so great. I have found my calling. Thank you and Vicki for your sister-ship. Again to Lizzie, aka MeeMaw, Jill, and Elena, Thank you for your words, for sharing posts, and for helping me be reminded of how it all began for me. Thank you. I love you so much and am grateful for what we have and share everyday. Lola, Linda, Lisa M, Lisa CAH NA DA (hehe), Heidi (my glitter queen), Reeanne, Melanie.M, Jane, Karen, Margaret, Kimi, J. Winther, Kimmi; aka Whatsinaname, Lizzy aka The Red Rose, CJ, David, Clint (not Eastwood), Muarice and Asgar, all my sistahs from anotha mistah and my brothahs from anotha mothah & the newest brothah member beliefpatrol. I thank each of your for your kind words and wonderful friendship. You guys are all each a quilted pattern of my Zenful journey, filled with love, light, happiness, support and most importantly glitter, yes you read right, glitter. hahaha Had to say it. (hope you all laughed) For all of those that are new and are reading my Zenful blog for the first time, I thank you for taking the time and spending a few minutes here today. It means a lot to me.

 

I’d like to share a few quotes and pictures so you can sit and view and read and sip your water before I begin our smudge prayer for the week ahead. Remember to grab the gems you need, find your favorite spot, in your garden, by the water, in your oasis. Shoot even in your bathroom, if you need a moment. =) Make sure you clear your mind before we begin.

                         Thank you for this Mi BabyGirl. 

                 My mama gifted me this "wish bag". I hope you're able to read the                            words as well. It's a special addition that I keep on my gem/smudge                        table.

                             As I had my balcony door open and was smudging the 
                             leaf was blown onto my porch for me to see. I had to 
                             place it on my mint plant and take a pic look at the red edges. 

Opening smudge prayer:

I'd like to ask The Lord, our Father as well as The Universe to be here with me today as I smudge & cleanse each of you.   

I'd like to call upon my ancestors to surround me with their love and light as I smudge. I also like to call upon the elements fire, earth, air and water. I'd like to ask the goddess of the north, east, south & west, as well as our archangels; Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom, to join us and surround us with their energy as I smudge and cleanse you today so we may have a great work or school week ahead.

Before I begin, close your eyes and take as many cleansing breaths as you need. Exhale and release any negative thought(s). Love and light only people!!

When you are ready, imagine me wrapping the lit sage & cedar, using its smoke to cleanse you. I begin above your head, (chakra points) forehead, throat, heart, tummy, hip area, and down your legs to your feet. As I'm smudging, I call upon the elements to help you; the wind, to blow your worries and or negativity away, let them burn free from you with fire, soak them away with water so that the element earth may ground you.

Feel the release of this/these negative energy/ies that may have been built up from this past week. I ask those who I have called upon, The Lord, The Universe, my ancestors, the elements, the goddesses, and our archangels, to help release you from any negative thought/s that does not suit or support your needs. Remove any blockage/s that has seeped into your aura and shaken you. 

Take these few minutes to visualize this and clear this negativity away, sip your water wipe your tears do what you need before we bring this Smudging to close.....

Closing Smudge Prayer

With this Sweetgrass I light, may it surround you and yours in the same way I did with the sage but to wrap you with love and happiness always and forever. Feel this energy of love and light wrap around you and bring you peace and happiness.

I'd like to thank you Lord and The Universe for being here with me and I’d like to thank them for giving me the opportunity to help those that I can. I want to thank my ancestors for being present. I'd like to also, thank the elements fire, earth, air and water for being with us. I'd like to thank the goddess of the north, east, south & west. As well as our archangels Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom.

Thank you Lord and Universe for always looking out for us and for giving us all the Blessings we have. Thank you for our yesterday, for our today and for the abundance of a wonderful week ahead.

Amen.


Wishing everyone a wonderful and magical week ahead. Blessings to you all.

Happy September New Moon Sunday Smudge Day!

Good Day and Happy Sunday Smudge Day my beautiful people. I know it has been forever and day since I have written an entry. My life hasn’t been an idle one these past months that’s for sure. I do hope that you have all been well these past months and that your seasons have treated you and your families well. 

Since my last entry back in January, wow it has been a while indeed. Despite my Blog entries before and my positiveness. I had the rug pulled from under me a few times this 2015. I hadn’t shared before, in part because I wasn’t ready to. But I am now. I am hoping by doing so I may be able to help someone that reads this. That they may view what I have written and draw strength from it. I had been separated then, tried to make it work with my X-husband for the past 4 years. Way too long, in my opinion. In October of 2014, I just couldn’t do it anymore and felt myself stuck again, so after speaking with my now soon to be X-husband, I once again ended it and asked him to move out. In these past years I realized  how selfless I was for my children. And I saw how selfish my children’s father had become and continues to be until this day. My children being older I sat them down and told them that, I was just happier without their father. That I felt bitchy all the time when he was there. I just didn’t like my energy. They understood and also agreed that I was different when their father wasn’t around. I was a better mom for them. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and it wasn’t; my son challenging me with his weed smoking, yet my daughter at the time only wanted to be with me and not stay with her father on his weekends so much. I did insist on her going but only because I just needed a break and needed to be quiet in my own heart and mind. To continue “My Zenful Journey”, my healing...

But on Christmas Eve 2014, the kids and I would spend Christmas alone that year. Their father no longer living with us and or staying the night on Christmas Eve, (as was done in the past) and as the plan was with his older son, my children’s older half brother. He had to work, him being an adult now and my kids father only came in the morning long enough to see the kids open their gifts, maybe an hour he stayed. I have known my children’s father since I was a child myself and never thought in a million years that my relationship with him would turn out the way it has. 19 years ago, he expressed his (what I now see it as plain lust, not love for me) Back then I knew in my gut, that I shouldn't “hook up” with him. That if things ever went “wrong” I knew our friendship wouldn’t stay as solid as it was back then. Knowing what I know now and so many quotes later it goes without saying for the love of all the meme’s in the word, listen to your gut.” NEVER EVER ignore your inner voice. I am certain we have all been there. 

But alas, had I not ignored my inner voice back then I wouldn’t have birthed my son and 6 years later my daughter. I took one for the team. HA!! I can laugh now about it) I did honestly think we (my kids father & I) would have been together "forever". But it wasn’t so. I lost myself, in living for him and my children. I forgot who I was and what I wanted in life, trying to be a “good wife & even a better mom”. Even after he cheated (more than once) on me and after the “I’m sorrys”, because of my children, we stayed together. I had to ignore my inner voice, but in doing so the self destruction of myself worth began. I did nothing for myself, didn’t take any time for myself, didn’t even buy anything for myself. The majority of my paycheck went to bills and to him, and my children. This is how life had been for me. The crazy part was that those outside looking in would see us as the perfect couple. We worked together at one time and even the females we worked with would say "I wish you can make a book Alex on how to treat a woman". I laugh now at these words. How untrue it all was. But how blinded I was also. 

Now, somewhat present day, Christmas Eve, December 24, 2014, I found a lump on my right side above my hip. I had lost a lot of weight and had never noticed it before. I was in shock and scared all at the same time having found it. I have no family here, my mom and sister living in Florida. My friends had their own lives. What the heck was I to do? I made a doctors appointment the day after Christmas and was told that it was a cysts and an appointment was made the following week to get it surgically removed. I was scared but knew that I would be okay. I had to be. My kids needed me. As odd as it was, my doctor said that it looked like it was an ingrown hair. Which I found hard to believe because shit, who shaves their side so high up and towards ones back? I did of course tell my kid's father that I had to have this cyst surgically removed. It was actually a Friday & the weekend that the children was scheduled to stay with their father. I took myself to the morning appointment and brought myself home by bus and train later that morning. The doctor that did the procedure was great and numbed my side pretty good and said I wouldn’t feel anything until at least a few hours after the procedure, but for me to make sure I take some advil for it when I got home as the numbness would for sure would begin to wear off and I would begin to feel the pain. 

It was very uncomfortable and bothersome I hadn’t let my kids know that their I was having a surgical procedure done until I got home and their demands started. The “ I am hungries & mom can you do this and that" began. I told them that they would have to eat cereal and or make a sandwich until their dad came to get them. That I was in pain and needed to rest. Their father never asked how I was (me being sarcastic I did say to him, "oh my procedure went well", which he replied he was going to ask me later on that day how it all went) I healed without any issues which I was glad. But it made me realize I had to do for myself, thinking I am on my own. Then February came and I became violently sick with a bad stomach flu, a nasty bug. I had to ask my children’s father for help (which I didn't like but I figure it wasn't for me, but for his kids) in getting the kids ready for school, preparing lunches. His words, "they can order school lunch that day." My daughter didn’t eat/like the school lunches and I had to prepare them each day. Once more the rug was pulled from under me. In between my running to the bathroom to throw up (sorry for the yuckiness) I was preparing snacks, lunches and making sure kids were up and getting ready for school and even doing my daughter’s hair so they can leave for school on time. Later my children would ask why dad didn’t help that day. An answer that I could not give them. My kids returned home from school and it was my 17 year old (at the time) son who was making sure I was okay bringing me water and or gatorade. Even my friend Lisa said to me if I need anything to call her. Which I wouldn't have since I was afraid she'd get this horrid flu. I believe in my sick haze their father did manage to come over and make the kids a box of macaroni and cheese for dinner. I ended up going to the ER for some IV fluids and medicine to help with the nausea. I was grateful that my kids father took me for I was so very ill. I was alone at the hospital but at least I was getting some care via IV. He would later pick me up and take me home. Still I was weak but I finally hadn’t thrown up in the hours of me being in the ER. 

I thought how ironic it was that when we were separated before and he got sick with meningitis I was there for him. I smudged him and used my gemstones and crystals, made him homemade chicken soup, went and stayed with him at the doctors as he was given medicine. Took time off from work. I cared for him despite our separation. Yet, when I needed the same I didn’t get what I had given him. Not sure where the phrase, “you get what you receive” comes into play for me there. What lesson had I needed to learn? I already knew I couldn’t depend on him, even when I was sick. Was this lesson for my children? Could the universe be so cruel, in showing them this hard lesson. That their dad wasn’t there for their mom, when he was needed the most? So he may not be there for you? How could that be? Later as the weeks flowed into the end of February after I was feeling better. My daughter would tell me, how much she loved me and how thankful she was that I was her mom. How she saw that even when I was so sick I made her lunch and prepared her snacks before school each day. How even as I was doing her hair, I would run to the bathroom to be sick, but would return with a weak smile to finish her hair. How she loved me so much for that. As I type these words, tears fill my eyes at the memory. I would do it again for my kids in a heartbeat if they needed me.

In the middle of all this I began speaking with my mother more. We had been estranged on and off for some time. She'd been gracious enough to give me the space I needed and let me heal from childhood trauma that I could only overcome and heal on my own. Not too long after that I started speaking with my sister again as well. Now as I reflect, it sure felt like coming home. My mom and I planned for my kids and I to come down to visit her in Florida this past summer. After talking with her she even asked if I would want to move down. She didn't want me to feel alone and wanted to help me. Knowing she could only do so if I was closer to her. And I did want to move. I needed a fresh start. There was nothing here in Boston holding me back. I only stayed for the kids and the school they were currently attending and at the time their dad. My son was graduating this coming summer, 2016 from high school and he wants to move to California. And my daughter well she wanted to move as well. So I slowly began to plan my move and by summers end of 2016 I'd relocate down south. 

    Cheers to my kids and I on our first familia vacation. 

For my kids and I, our Florida vacation was a lot of fun. Our flight even though it was delayed on our way down due to rain was a fun advanture also. We had dinner at a restaurant at Logan Airport before our we were to board our flight. The kids had shirley temple and I myself had a margarita. For my son this would be his 2nd time on a plane and my daughter her first. I was glad to share this time with them. We breezed right through security without any issues. Again rain was the only delay and hey, who's gonna argue with Mother Nature. :) We arrived late and it was hot despite the hour but if felt good to get away and just be far from all the negative that was my life, at the time, in Boston. It was good to feel my mamas arms around me as she hugged the kids and I as we all walked into her kitchen at midnight. 

We stayed a week and even though it was terribly hot we went to an alligator farm my mother took us too. We also went to a lovely beach. We did stay mostly poolside which was just fine with the kids and I, and a great way for us to cool down from the Florida heat. But we also went to St. Augustine and shopped a bit and just did some sightseeing of the area. It was very old and rightly so, since it’s the oldest town in the USA. 

The oldest school in all of 'Merica. in St. Augustine, FL. 

Spending time with my sister was very nice. I wanted to cry when I hugged her after not seeing her for so many years, but kept the tears at bay. I wanted to be strong and didn’t want to shed any tears. (Yes, Cristina I nearly got emotional, lol) Frankly I was tired of crying. We boozed it up as the kids were in and out of the pool. We were adults now, enjoying each others company and laughing. It was nice to see my son spend time his grandparents and it was nice over all for my kids & I to be in their energy. Abel even got a driving lesson from his grandpa! 

    Pool time at abuelitas!

My son & daughter lived and breathed the pool. HA!! We had a great time. My sister had me watch and hipped me to the Star Trek movies, the newer versions. WOW, is all I can say! Oh & “Live Long & Prosper!” My mom’s house in Florida is a retreat. A secret oasis, indeed. Once you walked in it was like you were in a different world, what with all her lovely art from the places she had traveled to and just the way she decorated. As I type these words I feel nostalgic wanting to be in her home, in her and my sister’s presence, again.

    Fluttering around my mama's heavy scented lavender bush. 

On our last night there, the kids and I wrote in a journey she keeps in the guest room, for moments such as these. To write about our experience there and of course to thank the host. It took all my strength to not cry as I wrote my words in her journal. But I was overwhelmed and let tears flow freely as I am now. I am so happy and so glad that my mother & my sister and I have patched things up. (“Cap!!”, as Ary would say, where are my tissues). A few things I remember as I close My Zenful Journey in Florida was, as my mom drove us around one day, we saw an eagle fly. My mother and I were the only two to see it. It was so unexpected. As I mentioned my mom was driving and it flew lower in the sky and in front of us a few feet ahead. I like to think it flew low enough for only her and I to see. I also like to think that it was my other animal guide showing itself to me. And maybe my mama’s animal guide as well. For me it was a special moment. Another was when my mom lit sage at her home. I was so proud and wanted to cry. It was nice that her, and now my sister smudge their home. Dang you tears…. (& didn't I say above I was tired of crying??? Ppffttt not eh? Hahah)

When I left Boston, and headed on my vacation with my kids, I was feeling almost like an orphan. With no family but my children. A mama isn’t suppose to lean on her 17 ½ year old son and 11/ ½ year old daughter. She has to be strong for her babies. But leaving Florida I felt with my heart happy knowing my little familia is indeed intact. My mama and my little sister is just a flight away. Thank you God & Thank you Universe for solidifying our relationship and making our family strong. It was bittersweet to return back to Boston and leave them behind. Our flight home was just as easy. Kids and I were talking about how much fun we had that week as we were sipping smoothies and eating our bagels. We spoke on how we were glad we came down and get away from our routine in Boston, even if for a week. We settled home quite fine. I hadn’t mentioned earlier in my entry but I was told by my landlord that I wouldn‘t be able to resign my lease come this September so I had also been looking for a new apartment. It's been a crazy busy summer. 

My son, was off hanging with his friends when we returned from Florida and my daughter and I returned home, both of us missing our two cats we had left on our week vacation. During the 4th of July, I took my daughter to Boston’s major 4th of July fireworks celebration by Charles River. She had such a great time, it was during our 4th of July adventure that Aryana told me that she no longer wanted to move down to Florida. My heart sank but I understood. I also felt a bit of a shift in her decision during her last weeks of her 5th grade. She would be entering middle school now. And as I had told Ary in the beginning, this was also her decision. Not just my own. I wasn’t going to force her and uproot her to a different town, school if she didn't want to. This move was more for me than anything. So, I had to revamp my thinking, since I did have it in my heart that I would be starting a new life in a different state. I felt I needed step back and almost be reborn again, to rebuild myself and my idea that this in fact would be my home.

So, soon after and when I found out that my application was accepted for an apartment that I very much wanted, I began to buy all new furniture. I felt I couldn’t begin a new life with my kids with old furniture that I once purchased and shared with my X-husband. Shopping is very good therapy, by the way. =) Don’t get me wrong. Nothing of what I purchased was at regular price. But all that was purchased was on sale and I was able to save money to purchase other things I needed. Not only did I buy new furniture but I also built it all on my own. I am so proud of myself. Even my move, with the help of some wonderfully dear friends, Angel’s as my son would later say. I had a few people helping me with the move so that I didn’t have to hire a company and spend insane money on being moved. I can’t even express how grateful I am to Jill, Lisa, and Jimmy, and my son as well for helping me with my move. It was a crazy day but we got it done. They are my heros. I thank you, I can’t express with words how grateful I am for your help. As alone as I once felt, I now felt I had a new family that I can count on. Lisa even went and got extra copies of my new keys made for my kids, because she knew I would be too busy too. She also knew my kids started school the day after we moved. She was so helpful. Jill also reminded me that she is here for me. I'm so grateful for her as well. 

I feel I need thank a few of my familia and friends again for being there for me and supporting me while I felt I was at my lowest. I am grateful for my mama for sending for my kids and I, we needed this trip more than I can ever say. I feel my healing truly began when I went “home.” Thank you mami. Cristina for being in my heart once again, my litt sister NYC is only the beginning! I want to thank Linda, Lola, Jill and Lisa again, Mari, and Amy for also being there for me. Your support means everything to me. My google family I know I have been MIA, but I needed to be quiet in my mind, heart and soul. I dedicate this blog/ smudge prayer to all of you and yours. For those I haven’t spoken to in so long, I hope this summer has been a great one for you. You all have not been far from my pitter patter. And Wiwda is back baybay!!! For those that are reading my blog for the first time, I welcome you to read my past blogs and please come and enjoy My Zenful Journey with me. Know that all things are possible. That it is okay, healthy even to close doors you thought you wouldn't/couldn't ever close, to let the burnt bridge collapse so that a new bridge may be built in its place. We can't ever heal if we are still looking at what once was. Yes look at it, feel it, mourn it, but move on to a place that is happy and healthy for you and yours. You will love yourself more and appreciate all you have more. Let the negative past go so that you can continue your journey to your happier and healthier present.

If you all can please begin by finding a comfy place and get your water ready for drinking, for cleansing. Lets all sit together and smudge so we can be ready for this week ahead. 

Opening smudge prayer:

I'd like to ask The Lord, our Father as well as The Universe to be here with me today as I smudge & cleanse each of you.   

I'd like to call upon my ancestors to surround me with their love and light as I help each of you. I also like to call upon the elements fire, earth, air and water. I'd like to ask the goddess of the north, east, south & west, as well as our archangels; Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom, to join us and surround us with their energy as I smudge and cleanse you today so we may have a great work or school week ahead.

Lets begin, close your eyes and take as many cleansing breaths as you need. Exhale and release any negative thought(s). Love and light only people!! 

When you are ready, imagine me wrapping the lit sage, using its smoke to cleanse you. I begin from above your head, (chakra points) forehead, throat, heart, tummy, hip area, and down your legs to your feet. As I'm smudging you, I call upon the elements to help us; the wind, will blow your worries and or negativity away, let them burn free from you with fire, soak them away with water so that the element earth may ground you.

Feel the release of this/these negative energy/ies that may have been built up from this past week. I ask those who I have called upon, The Lord, The Universe, my ancestors, the elements, the goddesses, and our archangels, to help release you from any negative thought/s that does not suit or support your needs. Remove any blockage/s that has seeped into your aura and shaken you. Take these few minutes to visualize this and clear this negativity away, sip your water wipe your tears do what you need before we bring this Smudging to close.....

Closing Smudge Prayer

With this Sweetgrass I light, may it surround you and yours in the same way I did with the sage but to wrap you with love and happiness always and forever. Feel this energy of love and light wrap around you and bring you peace and happiness. 

I'd like to thank you Lord and The Universe for being here with me and I’d like to thank them for giving me the opportunity to help those that I can. I want to thank my ancestors for being present. I'd like to also, thank the elements fire, earth, air and water for being with us. I'd like to thank the goddess of the north, east, south & west. As well as our archangels Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom.

Thank you Lord and Universe for always looking out for us and for giving us all the Blessings we have. Thank you for our yesterday, for our today and for the abundance of a wonderful week ahead. 

Amen.