Good Day and Happy Sunday Smudge Day my beautiful people. I know it has been forever and day since I have written an entry. My life hasn’t been an idle one these past months that’s for sure. I do hope that you have all been well these past months and that your seasons have treated you and your families well.
Since my last entry back in January, wow it has been a while indeed. Despite my Blog entries before and my positiveness. I had the rug pulled from under me a few times this 2015. I hadn’t shared before, in part because I wasn’t ready to. But I am now. I am hoping by doing so I may be able to help someone that reads this. That they may view what I have written and draw strength from it. I had been separated then, tried to make it work with my X-husband for the past 4 years. Way too long, in my opinion. In October of 2014, I just couldn’t do it anymore and felt myself stuck again, so after speaking with my now soon to be X-husband, I once again ended it and asked him to move out. In these past years I realized how selfless I was for my children. And I saw how selfish my children’s father had become and continues to be until this day. My children being older I sat them down and told them that, I was just happier without their father. That I felt bitchy all the time when he was there. I just didn’t like my energy. They understood and also agreed that I was different when their father wasn’t around. I was a better mom for them. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and it wasn’t; my son challenging me with his weed smoking, yet my daughter at the time only wanted to be with me and not stay with her father on his weekends so much. I did insist on her going but only because I just needed a break and needed to be quiet in my own heart and mind. To continue “My Zenful Journey”, my healing...
But on Christmas Eve 2014, the kids and I would spend Christmas alone that year. Their father no longer living with us and or staying the night on Christmas Eve, (as was done in the past) and as the plan was with his older son, my children’s older half brother. He had to work, him being an adult now and my kids father only came in the morning long enough to see the kids open their gifts, maybe an hour he stayed. I have known my children’s father since I was a child myself and never thought in a million years that my relationship with him would turn out the way it has. 19 years ago, he expressed his (what I now see it as plain lust, not love for me) Back then I knew in my gut, that I shouldn't “hook up” with him. That if things ever went “wrong” I knew our friendship wouldn’t stay as solid as it was back then. Knowing what I know now and so many quotes later it goes without saying for the love of all the meme’s in the word, listen to your gut.” NEVER EVER ignore your inner voice. I am certain we have all been there.
But alas, had I not ignored my inner voice back then I wouldn’t have birthed my son and 6 years later my daughter. I took one for the team. HA!! I can laugh now about it) I did honestly think we (my kids father & I) would have been together "forever". But it wasn’t so. I lost myself, in living for him and my children. I forgot who I was and what I wanted in life, trying to be a “good wife & even a better mom”. Even after he cheated (more than once) on me and after the “I’m sorrys”, because of my children, we stayed together. I had to ignore my inner voice, but in doing so the self destruction of myself worth began. I did nothing for myself, didn’t take any time for myself, didn’t even buy anything for myself. The majority of my paycheck went to bills and to him, and my children. This is how life had been for me. The crazy part was that those outside looking in would see us as the perfect couple. We worked together at one time and even the females we worked with would say "I wish you can make a book Alex on how to treat a woman". I laugh now at these words. How untrue it all was. But how blinded I was also.
Now, somewhat present day, Christmas Eve, December 24, 2014, I found a lump on my right side above my hip. I had lost a lot of weight and had never noticed it before. I was in shock and scared all at the same time having found it. I have no family here, my mom and sister living in Florida. My friends had their own lives. What the heck was I to do? I made a doctors appointment the day after Christmas and was told that it was a cysts and an appointment was made the following week to get it surgically removed. I was scared but knew that I would be okay. I had to be. My kids needed me. As odd as it was, my doctor said that it looked like it was an ingrown hair. Which I found hard to believe because shit, who shaves their side so high up and towards ones back? I did of course tell my kid's father that I had to have this cyst surgically removed. It was actually a Friday & the weekend that the children was scheduled to stay with their father. I took myself to the morning appointment and brought myself home by bus and train later that morning. The doctor that did the procedure was great and numbed my side pretty good and said I wouldn’t feel anything until at least a few hours after the procedure, but for me to make sure I take some advil for it when I got home as the numbness would for sure would begin to wear off and I would begin to feel the pain.
It was very uncomfortable and bothersome I hadn’t let my kids know that their I was having a surgical procedure done until I got home and their demands started. The “ I am hungries & mom can you do this and that" began. I told them that they would have to eat cereal and or make a sandwich until their dad came to get them. That I was in pain and needed to rest. Their father never asked how I was (me being sarcastic I did say to him, "oh my procedure went well", which he replied he was going to ask me later on that day how it all went) I healed without any issues which I was glad. But it made me realize I had to do for myself, thinking I am on my own. Then February came and I became violently sick with a bad stomach flu, a nasty bug. I had to ask my children’s father for help (which I didn't like but I figure it wasn't for me, but for his kids) in getting the kids ready for school, preparing lunches. His words, "they can order school lunch that day." My daughter didn’t eat/like the school lunches and I had to prepare them each day. Once more the rug was pulled from under me. In between my running to the bathroom to throw up (sorry for the yuckiness) I was preparing snacks, lunches and making sure kids were up and getting ready for school and even doing my daughter’s hair so they can leave for school on time. Later my children would ask why dad didn’t help that day. An answer that I could not give them. My kids returned home from school and it was my 17 year old (at the time) son who was making sure I was okay bringing me water and or gatorade. Even my friend Lisa said to me if I need anything to call her. Which I wouldn't have since I was afraid she'd get this horrid flu. I believe in my sick haze their father did manage to come over and make the kids a box of macaroni and cheese for dinner. I ended up going to the ER for some IV fluids and medicine to help with the nausea. I was grateful that my kids father took me for I was so very ill. I was alone at the hospital but at least I was getting some care via IV. He would later pick me up and take me home. Still I was weak but I finally hadn’t thrown up in the hours of me being in the ER.
I thought how ironic it was that when we were separated before and he got sick with meningitis I was there for him. I smudged him and used my gemstones and crystals, made him homemade chicken soup, went and stayed with him at the doctors as he was given medicine. Took time off from work. I cared for him despite our separation. Yet, when I needed the same I didn’t get what I had given him. Not sure where the phrase, “you get what you receive” comes into play for me there. What lesson had I needed to learn? I already knew I couldn’t depend on him, even when I was sick. Was this lesson for my children? Could the universe be so cruel, in showing them this hard lesson. That their dad wasn’t there for their mom, when he was needed the most? So he may not be there for you? How could that be? Later as the weeks flowed into the end of February after I was feeling better. My daughter would tell me, how much she loved me and how thankful she was that I was her mom. How she saw that even when I was so sick I made her lunch and prepared her snacks before school each day. How even as I was doing her hair, I would run to the bathroom to be sick, but would return with a weak smile to finish her hair. How she loved me so much for that. As I type these words, tears fill my eyes at the memory. I would do it again for my kids in a heartbeat if they needed me.
In the middle of all this I began speaking with my mother more. We had been estranged on and off for some time. She'd been gracious enough to give me the space I needed and let me heal from childhood trauma that I could only overcome and heal on my own. Not too long after that I started speaking with my sister again as well. Now as I reflect, it sure felt like coming home. My mom and I planned for my kids and I to come down to visit her in Florida this past summer. After talking with her she even asked if I would want to move down. She didn't want me to feel alone and wanted to help me. Knowing she could only do so if I was closer to her. And I did want to move. I needed a fresh start. There was nothing here in Boston holding me back. I only stayed for the kids and the school they were currently attending and at the time their dad. My son was graduating this coming summer, 2016 from high school and he wants to move to California. And my daughter well she wanted to move as well. So I slowly began to plan my move and by summers end of 2016 I'd relocate down south.
Cheers to my kids and I on our first familia vacation.
For my kids and I, our Florida vacation was a lot of fun. Our flight even though it was delayed on our way down due to rain was a fun advanture also. We had dinner at a restaurant at Logan Airport before our we were to board our flight. The kids had shirley temple and I myself had a margarita. For my son this would be his 2nd time on a plane and my daughter her first. I was glad to share this time with them. We breezed right through security without any issues. Again rain was the only delay and hey, who's gonna argue with Mother Nature. :) We arrived late and it was hot despite the hour but if felt good to get away and just be far from all the negative that was my life, at the time, in Boston. It was good to feel my mamas arms around me as she hugged the kids and I as we all walked into her kitchen at midnight.
We stayed a week and even though it was terribly hot we went to an alligator farm my mother took us too. We also went to a lovely beach. We did stay mostly poolside which was just fine with the kids and I, and a great way for us to cool down from the Florida heat. But we also went to St. Augustine and shopped a bit and just did some sightseeing of the area. It was very old and rightly so, since it’s the oldest town in the USA.
The oldest school in all of 'Merica. in St. Augustine, FL.
Spending time with my sister was very nice. I wanted to cry when I hugged her after not seeing her for so many years, but kept the tears at bay. I wanted to be strong and didn’t want to shed any tears. (Yes, Cristina I nearly got emotional, lol) Frankly I was tired of crying. We boozed it up as the kids were in and out of the pool. We were adults now, enjoying each others company and laughing. It was nice to see my son spend time his grandparents and it was nice over all for my kids & I to be in their energy. Abel even got a driving lesson from his grandpa!
Pool time at abuelitas!
My son & daughter lived and breathed the pool. HA!! We had a great time. My sister had me watch and hipped me to the Star Trek movies, the newer versions. WOW, is all I can say! Oh & “Live Long & Prosper!” My mom’s house in Florida is a retreat. A secret oasis, indeed. Once you walked in it was like you were in a different world, what with all her lovely art from the places she had traveled to and just the way she decorated. As I type these words I feel nostalgic wanting to be in her home, in her and my sister’s presence, again.
Fluttering around my mama's heavy scented lavender bush.
On our last night there, the kids and I wrote in a journey she keeps in the guest room, for moments such as these. To write about our experience there and of course to thank the host. It took all my strength to not cry as I wrote my words in her journal. But I was overwhelmed and let tears flow freely as I am now. I am so happy and so glad that my mother & my sister and I have patched things up. (“Cap!!”, as Ary would say, where are my tissues). A few things I remember as I close My Zenful Journey in Florida was, as my mom drove us around one day, we saw an eagle fly. My mother and I were the only two to see it. It was so unexpected. As I mentioned my mom was driving and it flew lower in the sky and in front of us a few feet ahead. I like to think it flew low enough for only her and I to see. I also like to think that it was my other animal guide showing itself to me. And maybe my mama’s animal guide as well. For me it was a special moment. Another was when my mom lit sage at her home. I was so proud and wanted to cry. It was nice that her, and now my sister smudge their home. Dang you tears…. (& didn't I say above I was tired of crying??? Ppffttt not eh? Hahah)
When I left Boston, and headed on my vacation with my kids, I was feeling almost like an orphan. With no family but my children. A mama isn’t suppose to lean on her 17 ½ year old son and 11/ ½ year old daughter. She has to be strong for her babies. But leaving Florida I felt with my heart happy knowing my little familia is indeed intact. My mama and my little sister is just a flight away. Thank you God & Thank you Universe for solidifying our relationship and making our family strong. It was bittersweet to return back to Boston and leave them behind. Our flight home was just as easy. Kids and I were talking about how much fun we had that week as we were sipping smoothies and eating our bagels. We spoke on how we were glad we came down and get away from our routine in Boston, even if for a week. We settled home quite fine. I hadn’t mentioned earlier in my entry but I was told by my landlord that I wouldn‘t be able to resign my lease come this September so I had also been looking for a new apartment. It's been a crazy busy summer.
My son, was off hanging with his friends when we returned from Florida and my daughter and I returned home, both of us missing our two cats we had left on our week vacation. During the 4th of July, I took my daughter to Boston’s major 4th of July fireworks celebration by Charles River. She had such a great time, it was during our 4th of July adventure that Aryana told me that she no longer wanted to move down to Florida. My heart sank but I understood. I also felt a bit of a shift in her decision during her last weeks of her 5th grade. She would be entering middle school now. And as I had told Ary in the beginning, this was also her decision. Not just my own. I wasn’t going to force her and uproot her to a different town, school if she didn't want to. This move was more for me than anything. So, I had to revamp my thinking, since I did have it in my heart that I would be starting a new life in a different state. I felt I needed step back and almost be reborn again, to rebuild myself and my idea that this in fact would be my home.
So, soon after and when I found out that my application was accepted for an apartment that I very much wanted, I began to buy all new furniture. I felt I couldn’t begin a new life with my kids with old furniture that I once purchased and shared with my X-husband. Shopping is very good therapy, by the way. =) Don’t get me wrong. Nothing of what I purchased was at regular price. But all that was purchased was on sale and I was able to save money to purchase other things I needed. Not only did I buy new furniture but I also built it all on my own. I am so proud of myself. Even my move, with the help of some wonderfully dear friends, Angel’s as my son would later say. I had a few people helping me with the move so that I didn’t have to hire a company and spend insane money on being moved. I can’t even express how grateful I am to Jill, Lisa, and Jimmy, and my son as well for helping me with my move. It was a crazy day but we got it done. They are my heros. I thank you, I can’t express with words how grateful I am for your help. As alone as I once felt, I now felt I had a new family that I can count on. Lisa even went and got extra copies of my new keys made for my kids, because she knew I would be too busy too. She also knew my kids started school the day after we moved. She was so helpful. Jill also reminded me that she is here for me. I'm so grateful for her as well.
I feel I need thank a few of my familia and friends again for being there for me and supporting me while I felt I was at my lowest. I am grateful for my mama for sending for my kids and I, we needed this trip more than I can ever say. I feel my healing truly began when I went “home.” Thank you mami. Cristina for being in my heart once again, my litt sister NYC is only the beginning! I want to thank Linda, Lola, Jill and Lisa again, Mari, and Amy for also being there for me. Your support means everything to me. My google family I know I have been MIA, but I needed to be quiet in my mind, heart and soul. I dedicate this blog/ smudge prayer to all of you and yours. For those I haven’t spoken to in so long, I hope this summer has been a great one for you. You all have not been far from my pitter patter. And Wiwda is back baybay!!! For those that are reading my blog for the first time, I welcome you to read my past blogs and please come and enjoy My Zenful Journey with me. Know that all things are possible. That it is okay, healthy even to close doors you thought you wouldn't/couldn't ever close, to let the burnt bridge collapse so that a new bridge may be built in its place. We can't ever heal if we are still looking at what once was. Yes look at it, feel it, mourn it, but move on to a place that is happy and healthy for you and yours. You will love yourself more and appreciate all you have more. Let the negative past go so that you can continue your journey to your happier and healthier present.
If you all can please begin by finding a comfy place and get your water ready for drinking, for cleansing. Lets all sit together and smudge so we can be ready for this week ahead.
Opening smudge prayer:
I'd like to ask The Lord, our Father as well as The Universe to be here with me today as I smudge & cleanse each of you.
I'd like to call upon my ancestors to surround me with their love and light as I help each of you. I also like to call upon the elements fire, earth, air and water. I'd like to ask the goddess of the north, east, south & west, as well as our archangels; Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom, to join us and surround us with their energy as I smudge and cleanse you today so we may have a great work or school week ahead.
Lets begin, close your eyes and take as many cleansing breaths as you need. Exhale and release any negative thought(s). Love and light only people!!
When you are ready, imagine me wrapping the lit sage, using its smoke to cleanse you. I begin from above your head, (chakra points) forehead, throat, heart, tummy, hip area, and down your legs to your feet. As I'm smudging you, I call upon the elements to help us; the wind, will blow your worries and or negativity away, let them burn free from you with fire, soak them away with water so that the element earth may ground you.
Feel the release of this/these negative energy/ies that may have been built up from this past week. I ask those who I have called upon, The Lord, The Universe, my ancestors, the elements, the goddesses, and our archangels, to help release you from any negative thought/s that does not suit or support your needs. Remove any blockage/s that has seeped into your aura and shaken you. Take these few minutes to visualize this and clear this negativity away, sip your water wipe your tears do what you need before we bring this Smudging to close.....
Closing Smudge Prayer
With this Sweetgrass I light, may it surround you and yours in the same way I did with the sage but to wrap you with love and happiness always and forever. Feel this energy of love and light wrap around you and bring you peace and happiness.
I'd like to thank you Lord and The Universe for being here with me and I’d like to thank them for giving me the opportunity to help those that I can. I want to thank my ancestors for being present. I'd like to also, thank the elements fire, earth, air and water for being with us. I'd like to thank the goddess of the north, east, south & west. As well as our archangels Raphael for healing, Michael for protection, Gabriel for revelation & Uriel for wisdom.
Thank you Lord and Universe for always looking out for us and for giving us all the Blessings we have. Thank you for our yesterday, for our today and for the abundance of a wonderful week ahead.
Amen.
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